Swapna Kumari Jha
Student Intern- Sociology, Jadavpur University, Kolkata
According to Oxford dictionary, Polyamory refers to “the fact of having simultaneous close romantic relationships with two or more other individuals, viewed as an alternative to monogamy, esp. in regard to matters of sexual fidelity; the custom or practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned.”
Polyamory is still an unclear concept to many people; it is often confused with unethical cheating on primary partner. But it is important to consider the fact that poly people are involved in a more stringent and complex emotional relationships. It is not just concerned with sexual relations or desires with multiple partner; the word ‘love’ has a lot to say and do with poly people. People in polyamorous relationships do not embrace betrayal or cheating on partners, because familiarity (knowledge of each partner involved) plays an active role in these relationships.
But even polyamory is dynamic in nature i.e. not every person who is poly by nature, engages in the same type of relationship with multiple partner. For e.g. you can either have multiple relationships but having one main partner as constant, or you can have two separate relationships with two different partners, or you can practice polyamory and live independent of any partner per se. But maintaining polyamorous relationship is very difficult both emotionally and normatively.
Speaking on sociological terms, the idea of relationship is prescribed in a society and the legality of any relationship is defined by two concepts i.e. either marriage or live-in relationship (which was very recently given de-criminalized status by the Supreme Court on July 23, 2015). And given this validity, it is still difficult for people to openly claim live-in relationship which involves only two partners. It has largely to do with the norms and customs prevailing in society. In India, the Hindu Shastra strictly orders ‘One man, one wife’; and anything against this is completely unacceptable. Speaking on this term, it is of little doubt to acknowledge that most of the marriages in India takes place within one’s religion and caste. Although it is true that legally there is no such law restricting inter-caste or inter-religious marriages, and any marriage can be registered legally under Special Marriage Act 1954. The caste structure is so rigid in Indian societies that any violation of caste boundaries in terms of cultural integration or social relationships, are considered deviant and are subjected to punishment. Marriage is considered as the socially sanctioned bond between two people, and this very ideology makes it mandatory to oblige to social orders of limited integration or no marriage beyond one’s caste boundaries. And violation of this results in ‘honour killing’. According to National Crime Records Bureau, 77 murder cases were reported in 2016 with honour killing as the motive. Because of this restriction, in a way Polyamory could be a possible alternative for Indians, since in Polyamorous relationship people can have diversity in their partners which they desire to have but cannot actualize due to monolithic attitudes. The even more burdensome situation is for women who are considered to be the honour of one’s family, and thus both caste and patriarchy restricts women’s freedom to choose their life partner. It is not possible to have inter caste mobility without forming social relationships, but in India inter-caste marriage or relationship is strictly forbidden and specially if it comes to low-caste groups.
Source- https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-47823588
Amongst all the misconceptions about polyamory, one that obscures this concept the most is the similarity drawn between Polyamory and Open relationship. It is not the same, and even if poly people are open in nature, they are sharply in contrast with those who engage in open relationships. Unlike Open relationships, it is not sex that drives a polyamory relationship but it is the emotional connection or rather loving more than one person. A country like India which holds back to traditional social norms considers monogamy as the only option. And hence there is lack of awareness amongst people about concepts like same sex marriages, bisexual orientation and lastly the concept of Polyamory which is a recent advent in Indian society. It is seen that poly people are often accused of infidelity, but on simple terms infidelity is cheating on your partner because of unawareness and hiding of such relationships, but in Polyamory there is consent of each and every partner involved. In India, the practice of polyamory is restricted and three reasons for this could be listed as follows:
- Because of unacceptance by older generations, especially when it comes to modern practices. The decriminalisation of section 377 of IPC took years of struggle.
- ‘What will people think?’ this question and hesitance restricts many to approach Polyamory practice, and also the lack of full knowledge about polyamory partially due to hesitance to consider psychological counselling as an option to solve unresolved dilemma.
- And lastly due to the attitude of people to consider human beings as property to be owned and not to be shared with anyone. And if shared, it’s either called ‘loose character’ or ‘infidelity’.
Indian minds are usually resistant to change when it comes to culture or tradition. But it is important to consider that every individual is free to take their own decisions and if anyone wants to have polyamorous relationship then there should be no restriction on it. Because it could be for many reasons that one wants to engage in such relationships, for e.g. sexual desire, emotional attachment to more than one-person, self-exploration, experience of diverse identity relationships etc.
An author named Jenny Yuen wrote a book named Polyamorous: Living and Loving more, in which she set out declare herself as poly and at the same time mentioned other case stories as well. She was having a relationship with three men: Charlie- her nesting partner, husband, and Adam. They live as a family unit. According to her, a lot of communication enhances poly relationship and it is definitely not a casual one. Poly people are and must be skilled, emotionally sensitive and good communicators. In a good consensual non-monogamous relationship like polyamory, everyone’s need must be equally recognised and respected. Just like the fact that same sex marriage need not mean the death of marriage, polyamorous relationship need not mean the death of monogamous relationship. It’s all about what you ought to choose for yourself. Socialisation teaches us and ingrains in our mind that love is of two types : infinite one, that is meant for family and friends (so let’s say you can love two or more than two friends or siblings); the finite one, which is typical of monogamy (you can love only one partner at a given time). But Poly people do not believe in such categorisation and fixed normality.
According to ‘An Open Letter to the Press’ by Gaylen Moore, published on the Polyamory Society website; “it is love, not sex, that is the key issue in Polyamory”. She also said “Sexuality typically follows from polyamorous love, but it is perfectly possible to be polyamorous and sexually monogamous at the same time.” According to philosopher Carrie Jenkins who published a book named ‘What Love Is: And What it Could Be’, there is no necessary connection between polyamory and promiscuity. She has talked about the changing parameters of love: to be more accepting of homosexual, inter-racial and non-monogamous relationships.
Source- https://www.npr.org/sections/13.7/2017/03/23/521199308/a-cultural-moment-for-polyamory
Some perks of being in Polyamory relationships can be: progressive changes to gender roles, economic opportunities and definition of family. For e.g. in a poly family, people divide the household chores (no gender specific work), they can share the expensive cost of living, and can have immense emotional support when needed. Polyamory breaks the pervasive stereotype that men are more into sex and women are more into long term monogamous relationships, as seen in a typical heterosexual monogamous relationship. But in polyamory, all the partners enjoy sex for its own sake without judgement. It also transforms the heterosexual family dynamics where mostly patriarchy rules. But this doesn’t mean that in polyamorous relationships there is no patriarchy, indeed it exists there. What is often seen that many men force their partner to engage in polyamorous relations, and sometimes the ‘one penis policies’ is also seen operating which is against the free and emotionally open approach to polyamory. According to one penis policies, both members of a heterosexual partnership are allowed to date women.
It is paradoxical to see that on one hand where Indians are tied up to their past of traditionality and cultures fails to reconcile the existence of group sexual union depicted in age old sculptures. It is to be thought that prior to the invasion of Britishers in India, there was a culture where upper classes and royalty were known to enjoy lovers in addition to their husbands or wives. The Khajuraho Group of Monuments is a group of temples in Madhya Pradesh, which depicts through its erotic sculptures that group sex was a part of the repertoire of the Chandella Dynasty whose spiritual capital was Khajuraho. But considered today, the sexual repression is yet to be undone by many.
Polyamory can a be a liberating tool in the Indian context. Having a background where caste identity is the umpire of social relationships, one can engage in polyamorous relationship to look for different kinds of people in terms of caste or tribe identity which allows various exploration of satisfaction. Polyamorous relationship between different caste identities, gender, religious affiliation, class etc can fire up the intersectionality of LOVE. Because all that matters in polyamory is love, emotion and may be sexual intercourse. It also helps one to understand others perspective by living with them as partners in love and care, by exploring the true essence of better humans.
If idea of India has to be realised in its true character then it has to come through borrowing the good side of Paris, Berlin, the country of Singapore which are more global and diverse, and not only through restricting to borrowing laws to make Indian Constitution. The areas with more diversity are termed as dangerous to the civilised mind, like La Chapel area in Paris or District eight in Budapest, where gypsies live or where there are more migrants, Asians and Africans. To the so-called civilised mind, endogamy and purity of their race, blood is far more important; and the caste system in India has similar characteristics. But if things are to changed, it has to be now and that too with the everyday life which is much more influenced by the rigid caste boundaries.
The basic idea of marriage demands women to be a procreation tool, where the only practicality of marriage means reproduction. And that’s how patriarchy evolved. According to a study by Jessie Bernard (Sociologist and Feminist) on ‘Husband’s marriage and wife’s marriage’, most of the unmarried women are happier than unmarried men whereas after marriage it is men who are happier unlike women and the reason being that the burden of marriage responsibilities falls on the wife’s shoulder (including procreation). But in Polyamory or polyamorous relationships, reproduction is not the main aim or focus and in a way it is helpful to control the ever increasing population.
If monogamy is our past, and live-ins is our present then what’s wrong with predicting or articulating polyamory as the future?
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